Recovery is Just a State of Mind
by Degrassixxchickxx
Summary: Discontinued. Going to Repost with a few changes.
1. Chapter 1

Recovery is Just a State of Mind

Prologue

Disclaimer: The usual, I don't own. Blah Blah Blah. This is the only chapter I'm writing it.

**Author's note: So I saw a lot of myself and my own struggle with loss in Eli and a lot of myself in Claire- at another point in my life altogether. I thought I should put in some background for Eli. We know next to nothing about him and a lot of my own personal past shaped me. **

**I gave him a Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis, along with a few minor ones (minor in his case-not everyones. I have seen people with severe Bipolar Disorder but in his case it is going to be a minor factor) Since a lot of the symptoms of BPD are somewhat present in the show, I figured what the hell. Just didn't want to offend anyone. This actually started as me writing my thoughts on the past two days of my life, so Eli's parts will be stronger than Claire's in the beginning. I'm sorry about that. Alright, I'm done now. Enjoy. **

"Eliiii! Baaaby! Your brother really knows how to throw a good party!" the black haired beauty yelled stumbling into my car-clearly drunk and it became apparent from her scent that she had been smoking also and was high. Anger filled me. We were visiting _family _and she was fucking my brother? I was going to kill him. And she was going to have to get the fuck away from me. NOW.

"Is that so, Julia?" I said quite calmly, surprizing myself. "We came up here to visit family and you decide to go sleep with my brother and get fucked up with him! How do you think that makes me look Julia! Huh?"

"I just went to have a good time and all you ever do is worry about how you look to your family. Afraid to disappoint mommy? All I ever do is talk about how you don't know what you want or who you are and I'm so done, Elijah!" she slurred out, making sure she said my full name nice and slow, "Maybe if we could have a normal weekend without you being all down and depressed, I wouldn't fuck around with your brother. Huh? Ever think of that?"

I was pretty sure that there was fire coming out of my nostrils when she said that. She knew that I was in treatment. That it was going to take a while before I was normal. Before I felt like laughing again. What was wrong with her? Wasn't Taylor her friend too? Didn't she watch her die in that hospital the same as he did? Her liver and kidneys giving out as _they watched_? Then her other organs following. I couldn't let her talk about this with me drunk. I would snap and probably hit her. I felt like she was just hurting Taylor. "GO SLEEP IN EDDIE'S BED THEN IF HE'S SO GREAT!" I screamed at her and pointed to the door. She pushed me too far.

"Fuck you, Elijah. Maybe I will." she said glaring at me as her hand reached for the door and she slipped out. I shouldn't have let her go. I had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I looked up and a huge red Ford SUV came and slammed right into her. It hit her and just kept going. I just sat there numb for three minutes. Then it finally hit me, I needed to do something. Anything.

"What is your emergency?" the emergency operater asked me over the phone.

"I need an ambulance. There was a hit and run and my girlfriend-she isn't breathing. She was hit."

It finally hit me, in the finally moments of her life, Julia hated me and she died because I told her to go. 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter One: Rock Bottom

_**Eli's Point of View**_

Borderline Personality Disorder. The worst illness to deal with-nothing can yet prove it exists, you don't like yourself-you despise yourself, hell I don't even know who myself is sometimes, and sometimes the feeling that I'm going to be abandoned is too much to handle. That was what had happened the night Julia died. I thought she was leaving me for my brother. And instead, I killed her. This was too much. When I was with Julia I almost forgot there was anything wrong with me. I almost felt normal. Well I did until it was time for her to leave. Then I started to remember it was not healthy for me to be too clingy with her. My religion has been iffy since I was a kid. Whenever I think I have it all figured out-I change my mind. Same with my future. Well I guess dropping out of school after Julia died kinda put that on hold until I got some type of education. I don't know what I want to do. At this point I just want to have a future without this mental instability and to never forget Julia. But as far as that goes- it wasn't going to well. I haven't eaten or slept in 48 hours. My mind wouldn't let me sleep and ever time I look at food I lose my appetite. That wasn't a symptom purely of BPD. I am assuming it has something to do with Bipolar disorder-this whole not sleeping mess. I was in a manic episode to say the least. Not able to sleep or sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time. I couldn't focus on anything. I just wanted to go. Somewhere. Anywhere. My many diagnoses played in my head over and over again. Borderline Personality Disorder. Bipolar Disorder-Type 1. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Oppressive Defiance Disorder. And on my last trip to the doctor-a condition of staying here- he voiced concern that some of my habits may be a sign that I was developing OCD. Thinking of my room- I see no traits of that. It was a horrible mess. I wouldn't throw anything out. The thought of it freaked me out. What's next? Is he going to tell me I am schizophrenic? Anti-Social Personality Disorder? Am I a sociopath too? What the hell else? My mental stability could not get any worse. Well I mean it's been worse but its stuck at this level. I hadn't gotten any better in so long. I don't think I ever will.

Currently, I feel so withdrawn and anxious. Like something was about to happen. And I knew I had to make the decision today. I had a pain in my stomach. Was it hunger? I learned to ignore that, knowing as soon as I prepared the food I wouldn't be able to consume it. So I just avoided food all together. I have no desire to do drugs or to harm myself- I don't have the energy. Is this another mixed episode? I read about them. Supposedly the most dangerous of all episodes- I don't seem why. I guess maybe if I had a little more energy I may feel the need to hurt myself. I'm extremely irritated. Nothing I do relieves these feelings inside my head. I felt no relief from these episodes since I had left my parents house-which wasn't far away. Well their former house anyway. I learned that my dad had to move because of something to do with the radio station. They had apparently moved 20 minutes away. I looked around at my mess of an apartment I had shared with my older brother Eddie. I felt intense emotional pain- I needed my parents. I wanted to move back in with them. My brother was great but he wasn't mom. And I was a burden to him and I knew it. He was used to partying his ass off on weekends when he could leave the store with someone else. And he used to have girls in and out of this place but no girl wants to sleep with a guy who shares an apartment with death boy. They wonder if there's something wrong with Eddie. It's not fair to Eddie. I can't do this to him. I had to leave. I knew he would understand so I wasn't going to up and leave like I did at my parents, just leaving a note behind. I would talk to him. Maybe he'd help me pack- it would be nice. Like a goodbye. It wasn't like Eddie would never come up to see me. He often called mom and dad and I know he misses them and wants to visit them. I'm making it impossible for so many people.

I lost my best friend here. All I had was my older brother and the way I treated him while we were living together was horrible. Either I thought he was this horrible person-which was usually when I was irritable or if we were low on money or Julia got brought up-or I thought he was my hero. He was my hero. If it wasn't for him I wouldn't have healed at all. He took me in without complaint. Even though he screwed up once in a while-like having sex in the kitchen forgetting I was sleeping in the next room or bringing up Julia every so often- he was twice the man I will ever be. And that anyone will ever be in my eyes. Don't get me wrong-I love my dad- but there's a certain love brothers share. If you've never had a brother, you would never understand.

I had his group of friends-kinda, they weren't the type of people you go to when you're having a bad day or anything but they are always good for a laugh when I need it and always up to party. I don't think at 19 and 20 these people were fully mature at all but they were my adults. Eddie had a lot of friends that came in and out-he was a better people person than I was-but only like 4 were lifers. RJ, Ducky (his real name is Matt but apparently he has webbed feet), Rusty (real name is Russel and he is the biggest pothead I've ever met in my life, but he is the most genuine person in the world.), Tori (who still sleeps with my brother even though they broke up 5 years ago.) and Joe (the most normal person in the group and ironically he had the most normal name.) They didn't have a lot but I guess they had each other and they didn't care about much else. I envied that. I didn't mean to push my friends away but having just lost the most important person in my life-you'd think he'd understand but not so much.

I finally broke down. Four months ago I can honestly say I lost it completely and now I just needed my mom- my brother may be my hero but seriously he is not my mom by any means. Don't get me wrong, my dad is great, he is awesome, his name is Bullfrog and he works at a radio station. We bonded early in my life over classic rock, video games and comic books- but he is more comic relief. He makes me laugh. Makes me feel better. But so does Rusty, RJ, Joe, Tori and Eddie. I don't need that right now. I'm sick of living like this. Dirt poor. Watching my brother get stoned and be reckless night after night. The sluts he brought in here sometimes. I can't blame him for the way he lives. He's been using drugs since he was 15, drinking since he was 14 and having sex since he was 15. If he didn't do this stuff regularly he wouldn't be Eddie. I wouldn't change him but I can't follow in his footsteps. Maybe I was better than that. There was a difference in intelligence between me and Eddie. Eddie was socially brilliant. He always said the right thing at the right time and got all the girls. Went to all the parties. Sweet talked the teachers out of giving him detention and giving him extensions. But in school he always struggled. At 16, he dropped out and got his GED at 17. Then he got his store running and business is steady. He did alright for himself for being a drop out. Me, on the other hand, while I am good in public, I am nowhere near socially where Eddie is. I couldn't party as hard as him and I was against casual sex. Slutty girls were such a turn off. In school, I always did well. But I dropped out in April- but what if I went back?

I know what I need is a fresh start. In a new town. New house. New School. New people who didn't know my past with Julia. But I was scared. What if I forget her? That is my worst fear in the world. But I know even scarier would be to end up living here forever and doing nothing for the rest of my life. I needed to go. I would force myself to go. Right now.

~Flashback~

I had absolutely everything in my room packed up. I couldn't sleep in this room, in this bed- there were too many memories. I heard her voice, I heard her laugh. Every time I shut my eyes, I even saw her face. If Julia couldn't step foot in my room again-why should I?

I wrote my mom a note explaining everything

Mom,

Hey. It's Eli, obviously. I'm sorry I'm such a shitty son. Eddie would have never done this. He at least had the balls to do this in person. Tell you his plans and promise to visit you. I as good as killed Julia-who you loved like a daughter. I don't deserve to stay here with you and dad any longer. I'll hurt you guys. I couldn't live with myself. I can't stay here anymore. There's too many memories. It has nothing to do with you or dad. You are unbelievable parents. The best in the world. I'll call you, when I'm ready to talk and face what I've done. I love you.

Love,

Elijah

I had used my full name because when things got serious, she always called me by that. It was a sign almost that things were about to get bad. I also wrote a note to my dad:

Dad,

Things are real complicated right now. I'm not in an episode. I'm thinking 100% clear right now. I'm leaving. You and mom don't deserve to have to deal with my mistakes and I can't take it anymore. I'll call you eventually. I'll keep listening to your show. I know I don't say it much but I love you dad.

Love,

Eli

My dad didn't get my full name. In my 16 years I have never heard him call me Elijah. I think he probably thinks naming me Elijah was a normality. He knew how I felt about being called that, I guess. Just like he never, in a million years would call Eddie, Edward. Eddie would just be pissed at that. But I think that has to do more with Twilight than anything else.

Eddie-my older brother who besides our hair (his was a curly mess and mine was straight and slightly longer) and the fact that he was 3 inches taller than me and had more meat on him (he had absolutely no problem eating) could be my twin, Tori, RJ, Ducky, Joey, and Rusty came to help move me into his apartment. After all my stuff had been moved into RJ's white SUV and Eddies hearse-apparently we were not too different.

"Dude nice car." I said, slightly smiling. This was the closest thing to a smile I had been able to give since the accident.

"Hmm. How much do you have in your bank account?"he said starting the car. That questions randomness surprised me but I remembered that when our uncle Rick had died he left each of us 5,000 dollars. I had only spent a hundred since then.

" I have like 4900 in there. Why? Planning on charging me rent?" I asked seriously.

"No. I'll sell you the car. It scares away my customers. They don't see that it's part of my personality. I'd rather sell it to you than one of my irresponsible friends. Keep it in the family, you know?" he said grinning.

"I'll take it. How much?" I inquired.

"I was going to ask 7000 for it. But since your my brother, I'll knock that down to 6000. You can pay me 4000 now and we'll write up a contract or something. We can discuss details later." he said lazily. Only my brother would conduct a business transaction with a minor and seem so laid back about it.

"But take care of the damn thing. I value this thing more than my store." he added laughing. I knew he couldn't be serious. His store was the only thing keeping him-well us-going, income wise.

~End of Flashback~

"Hey, if it isn't my partner in crime." Eddie started, then noticing the look on my face added, "Alright, what's wrong Eli? You've at least faked a smile for four months."

"Ugh. I feel like such a waste. I feel sick and just in general bad. All the time. I think I'm gonna move in with mom and dad. And go back to school. I could potentially do something in my life and since I'm being forced to stay alieve, I might as well make something good of it. We're different. Dropping out was like the smartest move you ever made. You got your GED and the store is going really good and your happy with what you have. But me, I'm not. I just want-" I began.

"More Eli. You want and deserve more. You look up to me-well most of the time you do anyway, but you're right. Your not made for this lifestyle. I should be kinda an example of what you do the opposite of. I party hard. You party but not as relentlessly. I sleep around. You find that to be disgusting. I do drugs. I don't have a problem but I am most definitely a user. You do them and get scared you're going to become an addict. Dude, call mom. You need to go back to school. I don't want to be supporting your ass until you die anymore than you want me to. And the way it's going... You need intellectual stimulation. Man, I see so much for you. You healed here but you can't heal anymore. You could start to get almost normal there man. It's a scary thought but it could happen. Go let it. Eli." he finished almost out of breath. Eddie never ceised to amaze me at how insightful he could be. Even though I suspected him to already have had a drink or two. Even though he wasn't as intelligent as me, he was always right. He didn't have the ability to be as sarcastic, as witty as I did but I gave him credit for trying. He was always joking-up until you absolutely needed him, then he surprized you with wise words. His jokes almost always had to do with sex or violence- and I remember times in our childhood where he would get on his skateboard and just leave for hours- he always made you wonder.

I hated peoples opinions of skaters, even though it was Eddie who was the skateboarder and not me. I always felt personally insulted. I always defended my brother-wrong or right. Eventually he started to lead our whole neighborhood to skateboarding. Every parent but ours had an issue with that. But in my eyes he lead a revolution. The neighbors couldn't say anything bad about skateboarding if their kids were doing it as well. He turned our little poor, violent neighborhood into a less judgful one. Sure there were still fights but unless I imagined it, not as many. The stereotypes generally pissed me off. My brother wasn't lazy, and he wasn't rude. He spoke his mind, that is all.

Ring!

Ring!

I patiently waited for my mom to answer the house phone. I had come to my decision and Eddie was right-we were so different and I needed to go to school. I pushed the thought that I would have to retake my sophomore year to the back of my mind. I had bigger things than being a super senior on my mind. I was sure I could feel my pulse in my ears. What if my mom didn't want to talk to me? What if she was mad at me? What if I really hurt her when I left? What if-

"Hello?"

"Ma, it's me. It's-it's Eli." I stammered.

"Baby boy! I'm so glad to finally hear from you. Are you alright? Are you still staying with Eddie?" she sounded so happy.

"Yeah. I'm still with Eddie. Everything here is alright but, I kinda want to move in with you and dad and go back to school. I'm not as much of a wreck but I'm still not completely better. And I just feel like I've hit rock bottom." I said starting to tear up.

"Oh my god! You mean my baby boy is finally coming home? I missed you so much. Eddie has the new address. He told me something about selling you a car that I'm going to fall in love with?"I grinned. She would fall in love with that car. Me and Eddie didn't pick up our weirdness out on the streets. My mom loved classic rock as much as my dad and passed that on to us. And she had dressed very similarly to me as a teenager. When I look at pictures of her at my age, it could be my female twin.

"You would absolutely love it, mom. I think Eddie has a GPS on his phone. He went out and bought a fancy phone and blamed it on his buissness. Eddie is going to have to find my replacement but after I am coming home." I told her, feeling better than I had in months. I felt my mood pick up. Maybe I would be able to sleep tonight? Who knows? That was being a little optimistic.

"Well he is one to like at least something in his life to be flashy. I love you Eli. Let me know when you have a better idea of when your going to come home. I'll take us out for dinner."

"I will. I love you too mom."

When I got off the phone I looked up to see Eddie sitting on the chair next to the couch. He grinned at me. "Eli, Eli, Eli. I found your replacement the minute you told me you were going home. One of Tori's friends. And we're gonna go up on Friday. I, um, have two friends I want you to meet. They're a bit older but they are good people." he said this slightly nervously.

"You replaced me in 30 seconds?" I asked pretending to be hurt.

"I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you. Make up sex?" Eddie asked winking at me, then cracking up.

"I can't top that. I'm not saying anything in answer." I said.

"What you wanna be on top? Not sure that'll work. But you can be in front." He suggested.

"Dude, who are you?" I laughed throwing a pillow at him.

"And tell me about these friends. You seemed nervous when you were telling me about them." I asked, scared to hear the answer. Eddie didn't have good judgement at times.

"They are-They were with me. In April. Well Jay was. Spinner picked us up because Jay couldn't drive. But I mean they went to the school you went to. And I wanted to party with you, before we lived 20 minutes away. Jay can usually find us a party when I go up."

"Fine. I'm done with the blame game. It was my fault and the guy behind the wheel of the car. Nobody elses. So what are they like?"

"Jay is chill. He used to be this like real bad bully but he settled down with that shit. He got expelled. And Spin is like this great, hardworking guy. We have a lot in common actually. But he just got married. I could never see that for myself. You have to meet them. I really can't explain them. They are interesting characters." Eddie explained grinning. I nodded.

"Who is driving you back up here?"

"Spin."

"And like how did you meet them? I never meet anybody when we go up there?" I questioned.

"Mom is best friends with Jay's aunt. And when I was 15, she called him and asked if he wanted company or anything. He didn't want to come get me, you could tell but he did anyway. And we got to be close friends. He introduced me to Spin and me and Spin text all the time. That's why we are so close I guess. He's been my texting buddy for five years."

"Oh."

"Go pack Eli. You have a lot of work ahead of you. And technically I'm in charge." he smirked at me. Reluctantly I got up and went to go pack, embracing the new life ahead of me.

_**Claire's Point of View**_

**Author's note: This is really to just introduce Claire into the story so its mainly filler and a little bit of character development. But no interaction between her and Eli just yet. **

"Ugh, ignore the jolly green loser, will you?" Alli groaned, switching directions as we spotted my ex K.C. I wonder what I ever saw in him. He was tall- a basketball player at that. And I knew when I finally got the chance to introduce my parents to him, they would love him. He was the image of the guy my parents saw me dating-minus the criminal record, but nobody is perfect, right? I looked at him, he hadn't changed one bit since the last time I saw him, his hair was still the same-long and dirty blonde and swept to the side. He was still wearing his Degrassi Basketball uniform. I assumed he had preseason practice before meeting up with his peppy cheerleader girlfriend.

"I was thinking the exact same thing actually." I whispered so he wouldn't be able to hear me and then I tried to catch up with Alli.

Alli Bhandari, my best friend, always tried to protect me. Even though we polar opposites, in looks, personality, and obviously (thinking back to her slimy ex-boyfriend Johnny) in taste in guys. She was petite, Indian and always the life of the party-despite her families views on the American culture. In contrast, I was more curvy, with auburn hair and baby blue eyes, not Indian, French if it even matters in this day and age. I had always followed the rules, Saint Claire would never do some of the things Alli did, like sexting or having sex at the ravine (again, with Johnny.) or making an "I hate Holly J" page. I had always followed my religion and being the good Christian girl. This year, I vowed it would be different. I would still have morals of course (no trips down to the ravine for me) but maybe I would take a few risks. (maybe flirt a little?)

"I have to go home. You know my dad. 'No going out all night. It is a school night' I'll meet you out front tomorrow?" Alli questioned at the entrance, hugging me.

"Sure thing. I'll, um, catch the bus. I didn't get something and it might take a while to find." I told her. I didn't want her to know my real plans- it would be a surprize.

"Are you going in there to try to find K. C or something?" she questioned.

"No, just something for school tomorrow." I answered. In reality this was the truth.

After she left, I walked around the mall until I found "Erica's Hair Cuttery" and walked in. Hello new me.

**Next chapter is more brother bonding before they are no longer roommates. **

**Reviews? **


	3. Chapter 3

_**Chapter Two: Stand In Brother**_

**Eli's Point of View**

"You must be the famous Elijah. Man I am getting you so fucked up tonight!" one of the guys Eddie introduced me to said full of excitement. I assumed this was Jay. Just from what Eddie had said about him and the fact that he had said this right in front of Cece and Bullfrog-my parents. I mean their names are Cece and Bullfrog and my dad was most likely stoned but still common sense Jay, common sense. The guy who I assumed to be Jay was a little bit taller than me and Eddie, about three inches and had small dark blue eyes. They were mysterious-like they had seen a lot of things in their time. But he couldn't have seen as much as I had. Like me, he had dark straight hair but unlike mine, his was covered up by a navy blue hat that matched his mechanics uniform that he wore. The look suited him in a odd way. He didn't look out of place in this kitchen even though he was dressed remarkably differently than the rest of us, he looked...him. He was comfortable with himself and it was surprisingly refreshing. He was not what I expected. He was smiling. Not the typical school bully that Eddie had described him as.

"Jay." the other guy warned in almost a whisper. "parents." This guy must be Spin. As comfortable as Jay was, Spin was formal. He was jumping out of his skin at the prospect of meeting my parents who were merely overgrown children. It was funny actually. Spin was exactly as I had imagined him to be-laid back yet jumpy. He had his serious parent meeting face on at the moment but behind that look I could see the mischief in his eyes almost as clear as I could see it in Jay's. Spinner was good looking (not that I was judging) but in a different way entirely from Jay. He was taller and more muscular and lighter. He had sandy blond hair that was cut short to his head- like he had just got out of the service. That was what he reminded me of- a police officer or a army officer or something to that degree. He had these squinty eyes and I could not exactly tell what color they were-dark blue like Jay's or brown like his wife standing next to him. He was respectful in a way that Jay could never pull off and that separated the two- Not only for me I learned but in the past as well.

Just then Jay spoke, interrupting my thoughts about the two, "I remember the night I met your brother, the jackass. My aunt had called me and asked if I wanted company. I suppose she wanted to get the little shit out of their hair. I was in a good mood that night so I decided to pick him up out of the goodness of my heart," he paused and clutched his heart dramatically and I saw Eddie roll his eyes at Jay's dramatics then Jay continued with his story, "so then I decided, what the hell the little shit's fifteen, he's old enough to drink and get laid and shit. So I took him to our place- the ravine. And who would have thought-this jackass actually landed himself a lady. Got into miss prude Hazel's pants now didn't you?" he finished, smirking at Eddie.

Eddie then laughed and said to the room in general (including my parents to my mothers horror), "Well, she wasn't that much of a prude that night, now was she?"

Laughter exploded throughout the room. Cece gave Eddie the death glare. He is gonna get a phone call about this one. I can just feel my mothers anger. She didn't tell us to not do drugs or to not have sex or to not go to parties and do all those things in that order but she did, however, feel strongly about us taking advantage of girls or anything to that effect. So I knew-I could feel-even at 19, going on 20, he was in some deep shit whether he lived with her or not.

"So, Elijah." I flinched as Jay said my full name. I generally hated when people said my full name. This included Jay. I didn't exactly know how to feel about him calling me that. I wanted him to call me Eli like everybody else did. Elijah is too formal. I feel like he is about to murder me every time he says my name. And he looks like he is capable of murder too.

"Yes, Jayson." I shot back and smirked at him. I finally got him. That should show him. He should only call me Eli from now on.

"Ooo. Are we on full name basis now? Well I was going to ask...Can you party as hard as your brother?" he asked, looking at me hopefully. I knew automatically what this was about. Jay was in his mid twenties and all his friends were gone, his finance was living her dream life in Hollywood, Eddie was a solid twenty minutes away, Spinner was settling down with his new wife-he needed a new drinking buddy that wouldn't leave for another ten years. And honestly, the answer was going to be absolutely no. I don't like to drink, I was only going tonight because of Eddie. My parents and Eddie both ruined that for me- the whole alcohol and weed and partying my ass off part of being sixteen. Somebody in the family had to be the adult, right? Right.

"I go out like once, twice a year tops. Somebody has to be the adult in the family." I said regrettably. Sometimes I wish I got to live the role my parents did as the irresponsible child and they could be the ones waiting up for me at night to get home from shows and parties. No wonder I had a nervous breakdown at sixteen.

"But you're coming tonight?"Jay asked and then he added, " and I'll see what damage we can do to this town!" then he smirked. Oh no. Now I'm slightly alarmed. Oh well. No time like the present to live, right?

My mom laid down her few laws before me and Eddie left the house, "Just don't get arrested or get anyone pregnant or catch anything." She leaned down and kissed our foreheads before allowing us to leave. " I love you two." she added last minute. We just looked at my dad and he nodded and allowed us to leave with Spin and Jay. Only our parents would allow that-sit through that and have that kind of response.

Me and Eddie walked out of the house where I would be spending at least the next two years of my life-if I made it that long. Because with parents like Cece and Bullfrog-you never know, the house could blow up at any moment without warning or something else supernatural could happen when your least expecting it. We made our way to Spin's beaten up old car and to my shock there were not just the four of us in the car. In the front seat sat one of the most beautiful girls I had ever laid eyes on. There had to be a catch. Jay's fiance perhaps?

"Thank you oh so much for bringing me in and introducing me to Eddie's brother, Jay. That's so fucking thoughtful of you. Almost like the time you slipped my almost sex tape to my drama teacher instead of my demo." she spat at Jay, who was driving. This could not be good for Jay. I wanted to help Jay. I liked Jay but this was entertaining and I really couldn't help him at this point. He could only help himself.

"It would have been rude to invite somebody into the Goldsworthy's house, Manny." Jay said calmly keeping his eyes on the road, Manny pouted. She was some type of Western Asian. Maybe Filiphino? She had the cutest dimples on both her cheeks and huges brown eyes and she was a short petite little girl. I'm sure my parents wouldn't have cared if she came into the house, but I wouldn't say this outloud. This would only hurt Jay's case.

"Hey. I'm Eli. Nice to meet you.. um, Manny is it?" I held out my hand to the passenger seat. Jay glared at me from the rear view mirror. Opps. She gave him this smug look.

"Yes, it's Manny. Nice to meet you too. You must be Eddie's little brother. You two are identical, other than his unruly mess of hair. You go to Degrassi then?" She asked me, suddenly interested in me.

"Not yet. I mean I'm a Junior and I will. But I haven't exactly started yet. My parents need to find the paper work first and stuff." I mumbled to her. I was embarrassed. I wasn't quite sure if I was a Junior or a sophomore but I was going to say Junior until the day they stripped me of that title.

"Watch your back when you get there." she advised and I nodded. That was the end of the conversation. I did not even want to know the rest.

"Well drop me off with Emma since you all insist on hitting the ravine tonight. And take care of Eli. You guys are all used to being screw ups and that doesn't mean he is." she said meanly as she exited the car.

The next morning I woke up on someones couch. I'm assuming it was Jay's couch considering Manny and Emma had stayed at Spinner's house the night before and it was not my house. If it was not his house, it was a complete strangers house, so I'm hoping it is Jay's house. Last night-what I could remember anyway was actually fun. When you need to forget about things- this was a good solution. I guess this is why Eddie did it. But I can't follow in his footsteps. I went probably eighteen hours without feeling bad about what happened or feeling guilty about Julia-I had forgot about her death completely. Was this moving on or was this merely being drunk? I sat up on the couch I was lying on and saw Spin, Eddie and Jay sitting at the kitchen table in the next room. They were all laughing and having a good time and I felt like I had gotten intimate with a mack truck last night. This was lovely.

I walked in and sat down. All three of the older guys looked at me with pity. Tell me I'm the only one hungover?

"Hungover, bro?" Eddie asked, grinning. I automatically want to smack that grin off his smug face then I realize that he's my brother and I shouldn't do that, but I so want to. It would feel good and make me feel a hell of a lot better, I'm convinced.

I sigh," Did I do anything last night that I should regret in the case that it might be taped and I may be blackmailed with it at a later date?" I asked groaning, trying to remember details.

Jay smiles a devilish grin. I hate that grin, "You smacked some girls ass." I can't tell if he's kidding or not and he won't budge. Never will I drink with him again.

Spin looked at me seriously and said with concern on his face, (here we go), "You said some things about being guilty for killing somebody and you were sorry to somebody named Julia and you then tried to run into traffic."

Eddie then looked at me in the eye, "then you drank vodka straight man. Are you feeling alright? You need to talk about anything?"

"Eddie, I've done worse, remember?" I say glaring at him remembering the last time we went out. I was a mess that time. Me and Rusty ended up sitting on the couch having a very serious conversation. Not what you would expect from a drug dealer but...whatever. Rusty wasn't your typical drug dealer I guess.

"Dude, I get it. Bummer times. I bullied a kid with Jay here, blamed the whole thing on my best friend who got shot, he's now paralyzed. He didn't talk to me for two years. My dad died from lung cancer when I was fifteen, that blew, I kinda started thinking I was a badass after that-pushing people around because I was broke and I had to take care of shit. I had ball cancer my senior year-my last senior year, mind you. The girl I thought I was in love with cheated on me with some pretty boy. Both his parents were multi-millionaires. I get the feeling of feeling guilty and feeling bad too." Spin finished finally. Wow.

"Yeah man." Am I really going to hear the secrets behind Jay's mask? "Not to make this a competition or anything. But my mom died when I was a kid. My dad never really liked me. When he got remarried I caused a scene at the wedding and I haven't scene him since. I have always been broke. And always been the bully and the bad guy at school. I left home really young. I caused a shooting. The kid lost his life. And Jimmy can't walk. My first love is a lesbian. And forever I am going to be known as Jay, the guy who caused the gonerea outbreak. Your turn to bear your soul, Eddie." Jay said then looked at my brother.

**Next chapter: find out if Eddie and Eli tell them what happened with Julia and what other dark secrets Eli is hiding.**

**Sorry about the late post. Computer issues.**


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Three: Confessions Part Two

The Car Accident

_I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head _

_They crawl in like a cock roach leaving babies in my bed_

_Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone_

_Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home _

_There's a burning in my pride, a nervous burning in my brain_

_An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again? _

_And will you never say you love me just to put it in my face? _

_And never try to reach me? _

_It is I that wanted space._

_Hate me today _

_Hate me tomorrow._

_Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you._

_Hate me in ways._

_Ways hard to swallow._

_Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you._

_I'm sober now for 3 whole months, that's one accomplishment that you've helped me with._

_The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing that I won't touch again._

_In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night._

_While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight._

_You never doubted my opinions on things like suicidal hate._

_You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take._

_So I'll drive so fucking far away that I'll never cross your mind. _

_And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind._

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I couldn't do for you._

_Hate me in ways,_

_yeah ways hard to swallow._

_Hate me so you can see what's good for you._

_And with a sad heart I wave bye to you and wave._

_Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake I have made,_

_And like a baby boy I never was a man._

_Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in your hand._

_And then I fell down and yelling "Make it go away!"_

_Make a smile come back and shine like it used to be._

_And then she whispered, "How could you do this to me?"_

_Hate me today_

_Hate me tomorrow_

_Hate me for all the things I couldn't do for you for you_

_Hate me in ways _

_Yeah ways hard to swallow_

_Hate me so you can finally see what is good for you._

_**Song is by Blue October.**_

**Eddie's Point Of View**

All eyes other than Eli's turned to me. Eli just looked down. If I could take that night back I would in an instant. I hurt him in more ways than one, I knew this. I was drunk and stoned out of my mind that night. I had an excuse- not a good enough one, honestly. And after everything blew up, she died... not a good ending to the night. I had to meet him at the hospital fucked up- he didn't appreciate that too much. I guess I had to spill to Jay and Spin. It would be good if Eli did the same after I did, so I would set a good example-for once.

"For starters, my parents-our parents- are completely irresponsible parents. Sometimes I subconsciously want to have the type of parents that have rules. Maybe things would have turned out differently. But they didn't. Maybe it was fate that things worked out the way they did. I met...my soul mate I think when I was ten years old and started dating her when I was 14. I broke up with her when we were 18 and I think it was because we were getting too close to being engaged. I was scared. She's still in my life. We're still pretty much together, but not at the same. We're in the in between and that scares the shit out of me. I am reckless. I party too much. I am the typical screw up. And I am a home wrecker. In April, I went to a party with Eli's girlfriend, we got drunk, and high. She made out with me. When she went back to Eli-they got into a fight and she got hit by a car when she walked away from the car. Ultimately I am responsible for the death of Julia and the death of Eli's soul."

I let out a breath. That was easier that I thought it was going to be. Honestly, I thought it was going to be pure hell telling Spin this. Jay wouldn't judge after what he had done in the past. I knew all of his dirty secrets and him mine-other than the whole Julia thing. I just wanted Spin to think I was a decent guy-with a wild streak. I didn't want him to think I was anything close to what Jay was- a murderer, a bully, a bad guy, a stoner, an alcoholic.

I am...

Me. Edward Lee Goldsworthy. I am an addict with a violent streak. I had killed my brothers girlfriend. Oh my god. I needed to get away from people I cared about. Especially Tori. I couldn't risk her getting hurt or killed because of my stupidity. I had made my own brother go insane. He had lost his mind because of me. I should have gotten him help. What kind of brother was I? A horrible one. The one who would fake a smile the rest of the trip then distance myself. That kind.

**Eli's Point Of View**

Eddie finished his confessions about my parents-that part had actually shocked me, I had thought I was the only one who resented them,- about Tori, and lastly about Julia. I guess I kinda have to say a few things. I feel like I'm in group therapy. I notice the look on Eddie's face. He's deep in thought. Maybe the things he's said shocked him. He's thinking of something. I need to figure out what before he puts that plan into effect but first I need to do this. First step to recovery, right?

"Well, my parents are adult sized children; growing up I felt like I had to be the adult in the house and now I won't really party much because of it. Like I said once or twice a year. I don't know if I've ever been in love. My last girl friend died but I feel like people expected me to never want to be with another girl like that again and I don't see that for myself. I don't think I was in love with her. I feel guilty for her death. Eddie shouldn't feel guilty. I told her to get out of the car. I told her to do that so I wouldn't hit her. I would have if she would have stayed in the car. But she was too far gone to be out walking on the streets, it was bad judgment. She couldn't walk straight. I don't think I lost my soul. I just lost my best friend. It'll take some time to bounce back but I will." I finished looking at Eddie, hoping to change his mind about whatever he was planning on doing. I knew I was being a hypocrite-whenever I was planning on doing anything I hated when Eddie tried to change my mind; he tried to act like he was dad and not just my brother- but Eddie a thicker wild streak than I did. He's been known to do things like steal dad's car keys-not a pretty site,-, or actually take his car, or skateboard off the roof. So seeing as he was upset and not in a good mood, I didn't want to think about what he was capable of. Would he hurt himself? That would be the most hypocritical thing he could ever do considering what he always said to me on the subject. I just had no idea.

"Glad we had this conversation. If you need me, don't hesitate to call. I always need a excuse to leave the house anyway." Spin told me grinning. He didn't seem to be too alarmed by the sequence of events that led to Julia's death. I found this to be a good thing. This ment he could quite possible turn out to be exactly what Eddie said- the best friend you could ever ask for.

"Hey, Spin. I have to be back at the store by 5 and I wanted to see my parents before we leave." Eddie said looking at his phone. It was about three o'clock and they would have to leave in about an hour to make it over in time for Eddie to get a shower and see Tori.

"Right, yeah. I can drive you guys over there now." Spin said getting up and grabbing his keys off the table.

"Jay, dude, it was great seeing you. I might be up next weekend. I'm not sure yet. I have to check with someone first." Eddie said getting up, walking towards the door, grinning at the door.

Was that what he was planning? Getting back together with Tori?

"Ay. Elijah. Give me a call if you need anything. I'm not quite allowed on Degrassi property but you need anything else and you let me know. I'll do my best." Jay said grinning.

"Will do." I said with a fake smile. I did not plan on calling Jay, Spin maybe, but not Jay. Not until Eddie was back in town. The thought of being alone with Jay kind of scared me for some reason. He made me uneasy.

The three of us proceeded out of the door, leaving Jay behind, beginning my adventure of living with Bullfrog and Cece- it was going to be a long two years.

**Eddie's Point of View**

"So, all in all, you took care of my boys last night then?" my mom asked Spin approvingly, beaming at him. She had quickly grew to love spin and even grew to love Jay-oddly enough. Jay was usually not a hit with most parents. But after only one night, he charmed my parents. They could relate to him, I guess. Spin told my parents of all me and Eli's drunken (Spin's sober) adventures the night before, at the ravine.

"Yep. Genetics, man. I'll tell you. Those two, they are so alike, yet so different. It's almost like airy-"

"Erie. Erie, like the lake. Airy is like cold and windy." I said to him, laughing.

"Right." he said, barely noticing, then continued to go on and on. Eli kept throwing him dirty looks as if he were just **daring** him to continue or even mention his outburst about Julia or him trying to throw himself into traffic.

"Oh, shit. Dude. We gotta go. I've had Rusty running my store for sixteen hours. Great dude but he's a total pothead. As much as I trust him. I don't." I said all of a sudden. I knew my store was fine but if he said anything about that, then Eli would probably punch him. I couldn't have that kind of drama already. Eli would get plenty of drama at school, according to Jay and Spin and Spin would get plenty from Emma.

"Oh, right. Thank you for lunch. Um, Cece and Bullfrog? Eli, man, seriously, don't be a stranger. The lady has been driving me crazy." Spin said, grabbing his keys, once again.

I hugged my parents and turned to my parents, though we were only three years apart, he looked so lost, so young, so hurt. And lucky him, he got to look after our reckless parents-make sure they didn't burn the house down, make sure they didn't kill each other. And he had already been through so much already. I felt like I had failed him. Like I was abandoning him. I knew I wasn't-he chose this. This was his choice. He wouldn't have it any other way. He needed mom as much as she needed him. I made up my mind that I wasn't going to hide from the world. That was a moment of fear. I couldn't do that to him- my innocent and broken brother.

He looked sick. His face was sunken in. I could tell he wasn't eating at my place. I didn't know if it was simply the drugs or the depression. He looked almost bony. "Um, call me, E, let me know how your doing, once you get settled, with your room or school or whatever. Let me know how things are going." I didn't know what else to do. I need to move up closer but I knew I couldn't leave the store. I had played the part of brother, friend, therapist, and now I seriously felt like I was abandoning all those roles. Now what was I? Some guy on the street? A former roommate? I shouldn't feel guilty-he picked my parents over me. Tori kept telling me this. But I did. This whole thing was my doing. I brought them up here, took her to a party against his wishes, and she ended up dead. Even though the party wasn't the direct cause of her death- I feel like I caused her to die. Now my brother-one of the only four people in the world who really understand me- is dead inside. He doesn't deserve to be.

"You've been deadly quiet since we got in the car, dude. You wanna talk about it?" Spin asked, taking his eyes off of the road for a split second to look at me. Should I tell him? Maybe he can look after Eli?

"Um, how good are you at looking over people without them knowing and dealing with stressful people and potentially stressful situations?" I asked him, trying to sound casual.

"Dude, I had a younger sister who I had to go to middle school with. As for stress, did you forget about the shootings, or the ball cancer or what about Paige?" he said, laughing when he reached the last part of the statement. I quickly remembered his ex-girlfriend. A blonde cheerleader who was the most high maintenance girl I had ever met in my life.

"How could anyone forget Paige? Christ. Well, after the accident with Julia and Eli moving in with me and everything, I took Eli to a psychiatrist. The kids pretty messed up from the accident. He was Bipolar and had Borderline Personality Disorder before it, but the accident messed him up even more. I want to move up and keep an eye on him but I can't leave the store. I just thought maybe you would. Keep an eye on him. Make sure he doesn't hurt himself or anything. He used to be bullied when he was younger and I don't want him to end up like those guys you hear about-losing it because they were bullied. Or in his case, he could potentially just lose it in general. I'm not sure if he is stable."

Spin sighed, "Alright but as far as Emma goes, like when you come up and stuff, I am not watching anybody. She'll find it stupid. Now what exactly is wrong with him."

I pulled out a piece of paper I had been carrying, intending on showing my parents but thought better of it. I would show them, maybe, eventually, one day. "In addition to what I already told you, he has Post Tramatic Stress Disorder, and might develop OCD if his habits continue as they are. I don't know what habits this guy is talking about though. He never said." I told Spin.

"So what your telling me is that you think that your brother is crazy because he developed PTSD after witnessing someone dying?" Spin said trying not to sound rude. But he did.

"And OCD." I said.

"That can be caused by a traumatic event too. It's your brain trying to protect you from those memories." Spin said.

"Oh."

"I'll still look over him. But he isn't the craziest person in the family." Spin said, pulling over at my apartment.

"Then who is?" I asked him.

"I'll leave that up for debate. Just not him."

**Please review. I should have the next chapter up tomorrow. I was going to type it tonight but I just took medication and it's making me tired. **

**Next Chapter: Most likely, Eli and Clare's first meeting, but you never know with me, I might add some scenes in before that..but probably not. **


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